inordertobelieve

[ Teru's evening routine has been the same as long as he can remember and it's so ingrained into him that he can turn his thoughts off entirely. Movement, movement, movement. He turns himself on autopilot way before he actually sleeps and as such almost forgets to wake up again before he accidentally can make his way into his own room. But of course he remembers God before then.

Light's still making noise in the kitchen when Teru steals into his bedroom and positions himself on the side of the bed, comfortably covered by the blanket. ]

[Of all the evening routines he has to do, swallowing his anti-epileptic is the one that invariably causes Light's mood to dip a little before bed. It's been months now, but he swears he can feel the stupid thing stick in his throat before going down psychosomatically. After spending so much time insisting there's nothing wrong with him to himself, it's vaguely sickening to have to confront very tangible proof that there is. Every day, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed.

Today he tries not to dwell on it by emptying his thoughts. As a result the glass he'd been drinking out of ends up cleaned to excess. He picks the death note off the table and makes his way back to his room a few moments after Teru does. Seeing his boyfriend already there, he half smiles and slides the note into his desk drawer before climbing in bed.

Light pauses briefly when he's positioned just over Teru and presses his forehead against his boyfriend's.]

Hi.

[ Smiles never come as naturally as they do when they're together in complete privacy. When Teru breathes the same tooth-pasty air as Light who's only centimeters away from his face... how could he not turn the corners of his lips upwards and gently lock eyes? ]

Am I my God's pillow tonight?

[ He's only recently started making jokes of this kind (except it's not jokes, really not, he's serious about all of it) and it still feels a little awkward on his tongue. Awkward but good. They're more familiar and closer than they could ever be if they were only God and servant or only lovers. ]

Eh?

[Light blinks at the comment, still not entirely certain of how to react to this just yet. On the one hand, it's so cringeworthy he judges himself for even feeling positively about it, but on the other hand, hearing things stated so openly while making eye contact is incredibly intense. He misses a beat and laughs sheepishly.]

I wasn't thinking of it that way. I just like being close to you.

.... I know that.

[ But it's nice to say God and it's nice to say God so intimately in ways nobody else will ever be able to. A few months ago he'd have judged himself intensely for this thought, but now the embarrassment is only a small nagging at the back of his mind.

He brushes Light's cheek with his hand. ]

I do too.

[As Teru's fingers gently touch his face, Light is lulled into briefly closing his eyes and breathing out contentedly. It doesn't feel necessary to say anything in particular at this moment, so he savors it in silence for a few seconds.]

To be honest, I thought going back to school was going to be awful.

[He opens his eyes.]

It wasn't though. So...thanks for that.

There's no need to thank me. If anything, it should be the other way around after what you let me do today.

[ He still feels energized from the knowledge that he just actively made the world yet a little safer, one penstroke at a time. ]

Oh?

[Light rolls to the side and joins Teru under the blankets.]

Now that I should definitely be thanking you for since you're taking a load off my shoulders.

[A beat, and a half smile.] I have to admit. Watching you was a little mesmerizing.

Is that so? I didn't think you'd feel that way about something you yourself do so commonly.

[ Teru immediately shifts closer and wraps his arm around Light's upper body. ]

Of course, I've always been mesmerized when you do it, but I'm not the one who started this plan, so it's only natural it impresses me...

Well...

[In return, Light drapes his arm over Teru's hip, and affectionately brushes his thumb over the small of his back.]

Think of it this way. It's refreshing to watch you act because it isn't routine to you.

... well, soon it will be.

[ And that's not a bad thing. There is nothing more beautiful than routine, things that wait for you every day, securely, steadily orderly, always there... ]

I doubt it will stop being exciting though.

Really, now....

[Light moves a pinch closer to rest his head on Teru's chest.]

I thought by now the last thing you'd want is excitement.

This is something else...

[ Without even thinking about it, Teru raises his hand to brush over Light's hair gently. ]

Actually impacting the world... that's nothing to shrug off and become indifferent to. I've been excited every time I read news about Kira as well, but acting as Kira.. with you... Even in elementary school I would not have been able to dream up something as incredible.

Mm. [The words are murmured into Teru's shirt.]

Indifferent is the wrong word for it. Someone who would become indifferent to acting as Kira should never be trusted with that power in the first place.

[He signs, as he idly runs his fingers up and down his boyfriend's back.]

Writing in that note requires active conscientiousness. A heart that's overflowing with compassion for the future of human society. That much can never be allowed to erode.

[Peering up, he leaves a kiss on Teru's collarbone.]

Mhm... that's why it's you after all.

[ Nobody else could be Kira and lead humanity towards a better future. Nobody else but Light who could see the same visions as him and shared them with him on the roof that day....

Back when Teru couldn't have imagined how happy he was capable of being.

In return for the collarbone kiss, he kisses Light's forehead, the only part easily available to him in this position. ]

And you.

[Shifting a little so that they can make eye contact from an equal plane, Light adopts a slightly more solemn tone.]

After all, you and i.... we've felt the same way for a long time.

Longer than we've even known each other....

[ ... so maybe it's not a big surprise that we met.
It's not fate, not something that was prewritten... rather it's something they have earned through their respective feelings. By working hard all this time, they have earned coming this far, becoming Gods. ]

True...

[Unable to repress a smile, the corners of his lips move upwards slightly in a vague half smile.]

It's strange to think of how differently things could've gone between us. Imagine if we didn't attend high school together and only met at college for the first time. We would have never been this close, huh...

I wonder about that... I can't imagine a version of me who would not be fascinated by your intellect. Though, in the beginning I was mostly wary of you.

[ Strange to remember.... Light used to be a person he passed in the hall, a name on a test result sheet on the wall, a weird disturbance of daily life. Then he became someone to greet, someone to compare lesson results with... ]

[Light considers this in silent contemplation. It doesn't take long before he drops eye contact and looks away.]

I think.... irrespective of that, I would have been reluctant to speak to you or anyone else after I returned from my leave of absence.

[He sighs audibly, and closes his eyes.]

I guess... putting it that way, I've changed a lot.

It'd be easier for me to speak to you if you weren't always surrounded by a superficial crowd.

The way you're now is in no way less appealing than you were before, not to me.

[ But that is something words always had a hard time conveying. Teru instead plants a soft kiss on Light's lips. It's a bit reminiscent of earlier, more miserable times when this was the only way to reaffirm their bond's validity. ]

[After a moment, Light kisses back, gently brushing Teru's cheek.]

Sorry, I'm not trying to be maudlin about it. It's just...[Complicated and hurtful to think about how things aren't what they were and better repressed and locked away in a vault before bein turned into ash.]

...you really are one of a kind and I love you.

[ Teru knows Light better than to think that it's as easy as just saying that, but if nothing else he knows these words as a willingness to move forward from here as they are now. For Teru it's the best he's ever felt in his life, so the least he can do is make Light feel the same. ]

I feel the same way, of course... I want to express that even more in the future as well.

[That's not such an unusual sentiment to hear from Teru, but the endearing nature of it sticks in Light's mind. It's sweet and reassuring in ways that he knows he shouldn't want or need, but all the same he's... sickeningly grateful to hear it anyway. On some level he almost hates himself for it, but hates how much he's overanalyzing feeling good even more.]

Really now....

[He leans closer, until their lips are almost touching. HIs tone is almost teasing.]

Any more and you might explode.

[ The wording is flippant, but it resonates oddly with Teru, coming from Light, who had been shot by his own father... When he replies, he fails to copy the levity of Light's statement. ]

I'm not that fragile.

[ It would be pathetic to be unable to endure something for the sake of Light who already endured too much after all.

Surely, surely... the limit to how much he can support God has yet to be reached. There's more to discover, more unity to bring to them as the world changes.

And for now, there's kisses. ]

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