inordertobelieve | Week 6, Thursday Evening

...I suppose I didn't, no.

[Thankfully everything in here that was on a flat surface is generally sufficiently weighted such that it won't just result in cacti everywhere. That said, the tremors have been obnoxious.

He'll move after a moment, Mikami is welcome to come in if he wants, though he may want to avoid the mattress on the floor. It's not Cumore's, it's clearly someone else's, but it is there.]

Iago has been staying in here with me, but I doubt he'll be back for a while.

Mhm.

[ That's all the acknowledgement to the mattress, which he does step around easily. It makes sense that they'd be sticking together. In some ways all the people who are reminding him so strongly of tokusatsu villains are more social than him. Weird thoughts. ]

Not that it matters that you did not, but I would have expected you to use at least one of them for something obnoxious by now. For all you've been repeating you'll disappoint me, which you no doubt will, you've really been doing a lot of the opposite.

...I'm not certain that's a compliment, but I'll take it as one.

[It...could be worse, anyway.]

I suppose my priorities shifted elsewhere after a while.

It was a compliment.

[ JUST. CLARIFYING. He's trying here but he's not good at this and he's maybe way too honest always, so. Yeah. ]

I'm no good with flattery. It's insincere. The end result appears to be that my compliments appear backhanded, but the matter of fact is that I never change my mind about anybody. So the fact that I find myself wanting to see you now is... unprecedented.

I know neither of us like having this sort of conversation, but in the event that we fail at what we are setting out to do.... I wanted to have said this clearly. Thank you for everything in the last few weeks.

[ What has he got to lose? His dignity is already dead and gone. ]

[He doesn't know what to do with that, and it's obvious; normally his response would be flippant, something shallow and vapid and intended to blow the remark off entirely, but for some reason he can't make himself do that and he can't figure out what to do with his face, either, and just in general it takes him a moment.

What he comes up with isn't precisely great, but it's straightforward.]

If you want to thank me, you'll do everything you can to not die.

I understand that the possibility of failure remains high, and that it's possible we're not all going to survive, if any of us do at all. But if you die unnecessarily or pointlessly, I won't forgive you for it.

That much is obvious.

[ Maybe a little while ago he'd have haggled about the conditions of what is unnecessary or pointless, but now the thought barely crosses his mind. ]

Actions speak louder than words, but in this case I felt words would be an appropriate addition.

Of course.

[He falls quiet for a moment, picking idly at the upholstery on that chair he always claims for himself, before he says anything else.]

Will it matter to you if I die?

[It's a blunt question, but one he doesn't seem to be seeking a particular answer to one way or another. It is what it is, as far as he goes.]

[ For a moment there's silence. Not because Mikami doesn't know the answer already, but because he didn't expect the question to be posed so bluntly. ]

... yes.

[ A future without Cumore would look empty again. At this point, Mikami is fairly sure he'd be able to weather it and find a place where he can change the world, a world at least, for the better... and yet. And yet.

The feeling is accompanied by shame (as are most feelings, these days) but what's the point in lying about it? ]

After all this, was that really still a question?

[The response is immediate. Abrupt.]

It's important to me to hear it, that's all.

[ ... ah. Is this it? Is this the fabled 'you're cute' sentiment? What a terrifying feeling. ]

It would matter. I want you to survive this with me.

[ Using the word 'want' as much as possible is something he's consciously attempting now.... ]

I plan to survive this whether anyone wants me to or not.

[Give him a moment, Mikami, he's bad at this.]

...It's good of you, either way. And it really isn't that I think it wouldn't matter to you. You've made that much...fairly clear, honestly.

[ Asking for reassurances of the obvious, then brushing them off so haughtily.... It definitely is that sentiment. 'You're cute.' Mikami is kind of creeped out by feeling it. ]

I thought I did, yes. I am not entirely sure how it ended up this way myself, but that's where matters stand.

[He is aware that he's cute, thank you. He just has no idea why people keep thinking that at the weirdest times.]

...It's almost reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who has next to no idea how this happened. Not that I'm complaining about the current state of things.

I've decided to just accept it and keep moving forward. I think if I were to try and decode all of this...

[ ... he'd maybe hate himself a little too much. ]

Well, it wouldn't be worth the effort. I'd rather put that energy into conserving it.

It's not really in my nature to question such things, anyway. I pursue what I like, and I'm enjoying this. So I see no real reason to doubt it any.

You've been astoundingly indirect and cautious for that, really.

[ We might all die, so why not let all bewilderment out... ]

For a moment there I had thought you had no actual intent of using me for your purposes at all.

I...

[It kind of takes him a moment to process what's being said in the first place; saying the first several things that come to mind will likely serve little purpose, while they're both trying for this whole honesty thing, so he pauses. Tries to get his thoughts together.]

I'm not using you. I would have thought that much is obvious - it's not a matter of using you.

[ That, in turn, gets Mikami to pause. He hadn't actually expected objection to the phrasing. After all, it was always clear that this arrangement, whatever words you put to it, was something they were both alright with. After all, Cumore is the one who loves to verbally frame situations around his own needs and desires.

Huh. ]

Mhm. I know. Now. That was just... what I phrased it as initially, to myself. Before you ever picked up on it at all.

[ Back when he was trying to probe about going home with Cumore, in the middle of an acute breakdown. ]

It was the one thing I could imagine you would want with me, then.

...I don't know what I would have considered it then. But it was never about using you, precisely. Even before it was...all of this.

[ Mikami believes this. He believes that Cumore would be honest with him, always, and especially with this. Which... makes it kind of hard to wrap his mind around. The room feels very small around them now, not exactly claustrophobic but definitely imposing. ]

I... I see. That's... I'm glad to hear it.

[His words are quiet as he continues; he isn't making eye contact very well.]

I'm not going to claim it was altruistic. There was some degree of pragmatism. Of not wanting our numbers to fall any further than they were. But it wasn't about using you, and after a while it stopped being about pragmatism as well.

It's as I said. It was strategy at first. But it hasn't been for quite some time.

[ There's silence for a moment, as Mikami is turning this feeling around in his mind. This is closer than he's been to another human being in many many years, possibly ever. When he'd been at his wits end, he'd have taken anything. He'd have settled for being used. He went to Cumore to accept rock bottom and Cumore had simply never let him hit it. ]

... you're not actually used to this either.

[ For all the making fun of differences in experience, they're both fumbling around an awful lot here. Mikami is not even sure to what ends, it's just all... sure happening. ]

You want me to say that you mean something to me but you want to deny its importance at the same time. You want me to be aware that you're selfish but you can't let me think of this as something you're doing out of selfishness. You take what you want, but you're not sure what it is you want here either, are you?

... I am a little relieved we are not so dissimilar in our approach to this.

[He isn't maintaining eye contact through any of that, simply glaring at whatever's off immediately to his left; it's likely obvious he's not really focusing on that, either, it's just something to look at that isn't Mikami.

It takes a long time for him to respond; one might be forgiven for assuming that he isn't going to respond at all.]

People don't matter to me, Teru Mikami. They're...at best, they're tools or obstructions, depending on who they are. Playthings, sometimes. Toys to be used for my entertainment.

I'm not...accustomed to people actually having any sort of meaning attached to them. It's difficult for me. But I don't particularly like the idea of you thinking that this is nothing different to how things usually are for me.

[ It really doesn't make any sense. Nothing about this situation adds up, for neither of them. Yet Mikami endures the whole silence and barely escapes falling into one of his own after Cumore is finished saying his piece. ]

I haven't had any personal relationships in... many years. My life is dictated by my work. The closest friend of my adult life I saw for dinner bi-monthly with scarcely any contact in between. Where you've kept your distance internally, I have simply kept my distance in general. I don't like it when people enter my space.

But as far as you are concerned... take what you want, as you always would.

[He tips his head down a bit at that; once again he seems slightly unsure of what to do with his face, but when he finally settles on something the smile is perhaps startlingly genuine, nowhere near the usual flippant, mocking expression, and the look in his eyes isn't nearly as manic as what's usually offered there.]

That's a bit of a dangerous thing to offer someone like me, you know.

[But even that is surprisingly gentle; he understands where this is an important thing that he's being told, and he does seem to be acknowledging that to at least some extent.

He seems to try to shake it off a little bit, however, as though something's switched over in his head - a thought, a decision - and when he stands up to approach he's back to being what he's always been: the sort of person that doesn't know uncertainty, the sort that takes whatever he wants the second it occurs to him to want it at all, and seeing as he's just been invited to enter space as much as he wants he's wasting as little time as possible in doing exactly that.

His hand is warm even through the gloves he's wearing, his fingers alighting softly against the side of Mikami's face; that aggressive look is back.]

You're certain...?

[ Hasn't all of this been dangerous, the whole time? Mikami has certainly felt like it was, a dangerous descent into the unknown. He'd rather dive down headfirst now, giving his permissions and giving himself up to what may come. No uncertainties, nothing left unresolved when come tomorrow they're facing the threat of complete destruction. Mikami wants to be able to confront it all without being tied up by the questions of the present. And if they make it, he wants to be able to go to Terca Lumireis with the certain knowledge of what it is he's going to get into and with whom. This is his last chance to ascertain all these things and make them count. A final exam, though he supposes that conceptualizing it as such falls into the 'depressing' category.

It isn't easy, meeting Cumore's gaze. Ever the eyes of a predator - but Mikami knows he isn't prey. And even if Cumore began to see him as such, he wouldn't let him. Because this - unbelievably weird and so preciously equal - is what he will fight to keep in his new schedule, the normalcy he is setting out to build.

The touch makes him shiver. He didn't think this would be something he could want, but the tension wringing itself through his body now feels like anticipation more than anything. ]

You should know I don't say things lightly.

Good.

[And that's the most he offers before he moves to kiss him, the gesture perhaps disarmingly soft before quickly deepening into something rougher, almost territorial in nature; it's neither inherently unpleasant nor inexperienced but there is something sharp and raw behind it, not quite desperation but something verging rather close to the edge of it.

There's no shame in it, though; partially because Cumore isn't the sort of person who's ever known shame and partially because...well, there's a good chance we're going to die soon. Shame really has no place in it.]

[ Mikami is powerless against this intensity. Nothing in his life has exactly prepared him for this, for tasting lipstick and feeling like he's floating or maybe falling or both at once.

His reciprocation is more hesitant, gentle in absence of a real way to express the alternative, but his hand finds its way into Cumore's hair, brushing through and just getting a sense of what it's like to touch in the completely active sense of the word.

Though this isn't strictly speaking his first kiss, it feels like it should count solely by virtue of how much more personal this feels. It's a kiss that can only happen because it's them, because they've clawed their way here against both of their wishes.

When they finally break apart, Mikami knows that he's definitely blushing, hopelessly obviously so. His hand drops to Cumore's shoulder, softly resting there as he tries to catch up with the new experiences. ]

I...

[ Keyword being 'tries' because he's really kind of speechless.]

[He doesn't seem inclined to speak right away, content to let Mikami draw back and sort himself out; the blush is cute, even though he's fairly certain Mikami will explode somewhat if he comments on it, so maybe just for once he'll keep his wretched mouth shut about it.

He lets his hand slip back, away from Mikami's face, to toy with the back of his hair a little; he laughs a bit, softly.]

I think you're complimenting me more than you ever could with words. How charming.

[ The laughter makes him feel like he's going to melt. Six weeks ago, Cumore laughing had summoned memories long buried of sneering faces and copper in his mouth. Now, it's a pleasant sound. It makes him feel that something is stable, that the world hasn't completely gone off track yet if Cumore keeps laughing at him. That should go onto the short list of the little things he likes, small pieces of desire.]

... good, then.

[ He has to avert his eyes for a moment. 'Shy' isn't exactly a fitting descriptor for his personality but right now he sure feels like he is.]

I don't know how to express this anyway.

[ He just let's his hand brush against Cumore's hair again because conditioner brought them here so they might as well enjoy the softness.]

[The sound that gets out of him is soft but undeniably pleased; it's been a while since anyone's played with his hair, he's always liked that.]

You don't have to.

[It's reassurance, in a way, though he is appreciating the shyness; it's cute, definitely, but it also feels vaguely like he's won something. What, precisely, he doesn't know; maybe he just likes knowing that he's not the only one who has no idea what he's doing, he's just better at acting like he does.

He doesn't really want to think about it. He just moves to kiss Mikami again, because between thinking and kissing, making out is far more fun; it's softer this time, less desperate but just as shameless.

This is...nice, in a way he's not particularly used to; for all the talking he tends to do, he's not the best at putting this into words, either. So actions will have to suffice for now.]

[ Mikami has enough shame for the both of them, so they should even out just fine, but even that is fading into the background as he slowly gets his bearings. Turns out kissing is fairly intuitive and even Teru Mikami does have a little of that intuition.

And when the earth trembles under them again, as it is so commonly doing now, he just decided that maybe in this very specific context it's not pathetic to just wrap his arms around the man he's currently liplocked with and hold on a little tighter.

When they next briefly break apart it's Mikami who closes the distance again, not quite ready to relinquish this comforting feeling.

Though his understanding of time is usually impeccable, he isn't quite sure how long they've been taking their time just exploring this when he finally moves back again, heart pounding, and lets his forehead drop against Cumore's shoulder. ]

... I suppose there is something to be said for scented hair product.

[ 'You smell nice' is not a sentiment he felt about a person before. ]

[This is all rather unexpected, as far as experiences Cumore planned on having tonight, but he can't say it's at all unwelcome or unwanted. There's warmth to it, and while there is a definite sense of a loss of control it's not the sort that he usually finds so intolerable; it urges forward instead of making him want to retreat back, and he can't really say that being held like this is something he's really experienced with but he finds that he can't complain, either, pressing into it instead of trying to pull away.

And then Mikami's head is on his shoulder and Cumore just goes back to letting his fingers run through Mikami's hair, and the words get him to laugh a bit. Of all things...]

You're cute.

[ This time Mikami should have really seen the comment coming. In reality, he didn't, but it's not as bewildering anymore either. Just a soft strangeness, like all of this. But then again... he's been feeling this exact sentiment earlier, has he not?

There is a short pause before he responds, not lifting his head. The lack of eye contact is welcome right now. ]

So are you.

[ Might as well try out saying these things out loud. He's a little curious about the reaction, as well. ]

Am I.

[He sounds amused; he doesn't stop with the soft hair-playing.]

Dare I ask what brought that on?

Asking for reassurances then denying that it never mattered... I'm fairly certain 'cute' was an appropriate descriptor.

[ You asked. ]

...I suppose?

[MISTAKES WERE MADE.]

[ ... cute. ]

Definitely certain.

You're terrible.

[He does still sound at least somewhat amused, though, if a bit flustered.]

[ ..... ]

Wonder who I am learning that from.

[ Yes, he needed a pause to think up this comeback. ]

[...sweetheart.]

Maybe I'll teach you a few other things along the way, hm?

I am afraid you will, whether its advisable or not.

[ It turns out there are only so many sweet nothings Mikami can say before he returns to the usual judgmental mode. Not that that carries a lot of value when his hand is drawing idle circles over Cumore's back. ]

[Good, honestly; it's another of those things that makes it feel like the world hasn't gone completely insane.]

I'm not really the sort to hold back, advisable or not. So I imagine you'll get used to it.

I should really hate this about you.

[ But he doesn't, evidently, at the very least not yet.

Mikami pulls back a little, to be able to look Cumore in the eyes from close distance. ] .

What do you want to teach me anyhow?

[The eye contact is...strange, a little, when they're standing so close, but he doesn't flinch or look away, either.]

I haven't decided yet.

[That much seems genuine, anyway.]

I want to give you experiences, however. I do know that much.

[ It's definitely strange and Mikami is making a conscious effort to not budge from the way their eyes are meeting. That's something that should start coming naturally to them if they're going to... well, this. Cumore is pretty. He's not even remotely the type that Mikami would normally classify as good looking. He's someone Mikami would roll his eyes at on the street. But still, up close, he's pretty. He should wear a simple suit sometime. ]

You know, when I was at home, I've been keeping a constant schedule for four years straight. I suppose I should now set a day a week aside for innovation.

[ Is he joking? Nobody knows, not even Mikami.]

Week 6, Thursday Evening

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